There are some wonderfully common phrases and words that have been part of the English language for decades now. Kudos for sticking around so long ye old timers, but perhaps we shall substitute some updated versions of these popular sayings and words to reflect our current generation's creative and decidedly vulgar inclinations.
Yeah, I thought this would be a nice way to trudge through this blatantly gross and rainy Thursday. I mean who else forgot a parka? Yeah, me too.
I'd like to thank Urban Dictionary, my dear friends, and my own perverted sense of humor for jointly cultivating this wacky list. I give you your favorite phrases, nouns, just y'know words, sentences, all the things - slanged the fuck out.
MIND YOUR Ps AND Qs
Meaning - Mind your manners.
2014 Substitute - LOCK IT UP
I mean who hasn't been told to "lock that shit up"? It has become an extremely popular way to be warned: Behave yourself, Sonny. It's much more no-nonsense than its predecessor, which I believe quite frankly suits our country's current mentality. Sorry Gramps.
Meaning - Dictionary.com defines the fart as "a flatus expelled through the..." Yeah, I'm sorry, I can't finish this definition - just not ready for that kinda bodily function TMI at 2:11PM.
2014 Substitute - AIR BAGEL (or AIR BISCUIT)
It is infinitely more pleasant to say, "Oops, I made an air bagel" as opposed to "Oops, I farted." Like so much more classy. Am I right or am I right?
HASTA LA VISTA, BABY!
Meaning - See ya' later. Made most famous by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
2014 Substitute - DEUCES!
I'm sorry, but this one is just fucking fun to say. Granted it's a lot more fun if you've had a martini or two, and are sloppily exiting the Blarney Stone, but I can't wait to for it to be socially acceptable to just start leaving business meetings with a subtle, "Yes, yes Paul, see you Monday. Deuces!" Just the most casual.
LET YOUR HAIR DOWN
Meaning - Relax, let loose.
2014 Substitute - LET'S GET PANDA
This is a thing. You can get panda. Getting panda basically means getting drunk off your ass, getting wild and freaky like pandas do. See pandas be killin' it these days, so it seems appropriate to associate having fun with a big, squishy, black and white bear. They don't mess around, and neither should you when you get panda. Side note - rarely does one get panda alone, so make sure you are around other pandas when you're having all your panda fun. #panda.
A ROSE IS A ROSE IS A ROSE
Meaning - It is what it is.
2014 Substitute - IIWII
Iiwii which does in fact rhyme with "kiwi," is the abbreviated version of "it is what it is." For example, let's say you're on a plane that is sitting on the tarmac. Suddenly, the pilot announces that you will continue to sit on that tarmac for another three hours. Nowadays, it is not at all strange to lean over to your fellow passenger, shrug your shoulders, and say, "Iiwii, eh?" This person will not think you're weird. Or Australian. Absolutely not. Not one bit. He will totally get you, I promise.
Meaning - Voila! Magic has happened! Made most famous by magicians.
2014 Substitute - WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT IT TO BE.
Guys, it's time to be original. I mean in an age where we all consider ourselves artists, personalizing our exclamations is highly necessary. For me personally, the next time I turn water into wine or create a kitten out of thin air, I plan to shout "Skittle pies!" or "Alabaster shorts!" or perhaps even "Palladium monkey shits!" All of it could work. I dare you to try it. In fact, come up with a list of Abracadabra substitutions and send them to me. I promise to tweet one every few days just for the sake of solidarity.